Im drunk so Ill get in on the 5th of november stuff.
Remember, remember the 5th of November...
The life changing, depression, plot...
Yes Im trying to make lightly on the subject im about to talk to you about. I know that some of you known that I have had some medical issues and I have posted about some depressing things.
Hehe a few of you have even commented about how I seem a bit depressed or just complaining about life. I would have rather talked to you all one on one but life... what can you do. So sorry about doing something this big in a letter. One that I typed on my phone no less... I deleted the copy I had on my laptop. Well on with explaining...
For a long time I have been dealing with depression, anxiety issues. I the issues revolving around my self image. The feelings are ones that I have delt with for ever. A few months back however things came to a head.
For the longest time I was able to make it through it on my own. I did my best to keep my self occupied with friends, friends I hope will still be there after they finish this, and things/activity's. Taking the job in Memphis did not help ether, doing this was something I felt like I had to do. However this seemed to be undoing. Not having the distractions that I did before left me with nothing to take up my time but me.
Ive really hated my self for a long time, and to an extent still do. However things are getting better. But I had never looked for help until I had my break at a friends house and I was ready to be done and just leave.
I had the plain ticket and everything. My plan was to go to Europe and just travel and never come back and tell no one where I was or what I was doing. Did I plan on offing my self? No, but it really didn't matter to me if something happened. But again I decided to try and face my issues head on.
Some of you know I have been haveing some medical issues as of late, and some of you know I have a low testosterone count due to klinefelters syndrom. This issue that has been with me off and on all my life but now being on a supliment like I was is not really an option. And you know Im glad, hell I wish it would have happened sooner.
Now I know some of you might see it as well he has a sickness and thats why he is how he is, but fuck that. I have spent the past 19 years of my life trying to please my family and others. I have put ky.self through hell for over a decade just so others could be happy and I would not hurt there feelings. But well thats over, I cant do it any more a I cant live for other people any more.
Im going to face life hopefully with my friends and live for me for a change. I love all my friends but I know some of you might hate me after you finish this. If thats the case then I wish you the best and all the happyness in the world. I would have hoped our friendship ment more nut I guess not. I dont need you to send and write any hate mail just simply unfriend and move on with you life.
Within the year if things go well I will be back on a hormone supliment, however this will not be testosterone it will be estrogenand I will be over the next few years transitioning. Let that sink in, I just in a round about way told you Im a transsexual. A male to female or MtF as its known. I know some might look at this is wrong as Im crazy but I just cant keep being the me that isnt me. I have tried really hard but Im done. I have been an actor all my life and Im tired of the role I was cast in.
Sure I could try and blame it on klinefelters, i broke down crying the day the doc told me I had a XXY chromosome. All I could think was wow becouse I have an extra Y I got fucked. Fu k that I dont need an excuse to be me.
Yes I feel very cheeted in life but Im trying to make the best of things Im trying to get better and Im trying not to run away from my friends. Depending on how many I have left after this.
Yes some things about me will change, the way I way I look, the way I dress eventually even the way I talk, my name but its still me. Ill still like the same things, same humor etc but there is a good chance that by doing this I might genualy be happy.
Some of you might have seen the pic of halloween and when we took the pic I really truly thought I was smiling. It really hurt to see that pic, hell I look like I had never smiled in my life or as someone on my tumble put. I come off as a sad sack.
So there you have it. I want to be a girl, got really close too but thats life it kicks you when your down. Yes there is more that I can bitch about but I wont. So if some of you have questions feel free to ask, I will answer to the best of my ability.
If you just want to hate on me for something that is not even affecting you then go fuck your self. This isnt about you its about me, as for those that oh God hates you now. Well Im glad you can speak on behalf of the almighty. He can speak for him self thank you. If you think this is something sexual wrong again.
Ok Im done, I got nothing else. Hell its a marval I have made it through this, yes I scared but like I said this is somehting I have to do. Again if you got question Ill answer them as best I can. I hope tomorrow will be a better day and I hope I have my friends with me through this.
Ps dor those that care you have noted that my google plus name has been changed to Alexandria. Hehe thats my middle name for now. Going to make it me first name, that way I can use Alex for short. :3
Well im done.
Thank you all. Love yeah.
Alex